I’ve always been “big boned”, bless my heart. I’ve always had baby fat, yes even at 20. I’ve always had a big ole sweet tooth and started carb smashing at the age of two. When I run through my rolodex of childhood memories.. I think of my little, no, tiny house on Holt Dr. I think of “ice skating” thru the house with my baby sis and Mama… We’d dump buckets of soapy water on the old hardwoods, tie dish sponges to our feet with string, and dance the day away… All while Alanis Morissette would be the playing in the background. I think of Summer being happy and being….Enough.
It wasn’t until third grade that my size, my freckles, my gap teeth, frizzy hair, and the way I looked,would start to make me question my enoughness (Yeah, I just made that word up… I do that a lot). I’ll never forget in Mrs. Brown’s class when Edward Holliday called me fat. FAT?? at 8? He yelled it in front of the entire class and they all laughed. That little girl inside still cringes and wants to burst into tears. That was the first day I knew I wasn’t as beautiful as my family had always said. That was the first day I knew I wasn’t as cool as I thought. That day I learned those freckles weren’t kisses from the sun. I learned that I was fat, my gap, and curly hair were not attractive. My little soul was crushed. I wanted weightloss pills, I wanted braces, I wanted to straighten my hair.. I wanted to fix everything that made me…Me. I was never taught fat/thin, black/white, curly/straight, tall/short was more or less wondrously created by our Father. I was taught that everyone is beautiful.
When I was 5 I knew a kind sweet soul named Rachel, my friend, who would play barbies, play school, and would laugh the day away with me… Fast forward 14 years, My family and I went to Long Horns for dinner and we saw their family. I quickly asked my mom where Rachel was and she pointed to this grown woman who spoke like that sweet 5 year old I remembered and said Summer, that’s Rachel. My heart ached, why? I learned that Rachel, one of my best childhood friends, was mentally retarded….and always had been. It goes to show that children accept everyone, they don’t dislike people because they dont fit a mold that we create.
Sorry, I’m ADHD so, sometimes ,I may go a little off topic.. Bare with me.
From that day forward I had that constant “you’re not good enough” nag in the back of my head. I was a teenage girl… We all know how catty and mean we can be. Im sure I said hurtful things to people and vice versa. I would watch what I ate and never lost any weight but slowly started to accept the fact that I was meant to be big. Some people are born with bigger bones I would tell myself, some of us aren’t able to be skinny. I never thought healthy, my mind always jumped straight to skinny.
When I moved to Richmond with my fiancé, my now husband, I didn’t know a soul. I joined a gym and went there while he was to work. I started to lose weight… Slowly but surely it was coming off. I quickly became obsessed with how small can I get? When my family would come and visit they would say how worried they were about me that I was too thin. When I looked in the mirror, I honestly still, saw that 188 pound girl staring back. There was a huge disconnect from what I saw and reality. People who havent grown up being big dont understand… I think its a whole nother ball game when you’re smaller and you gain weight, but being big from day 1 is totally different.
I’ll be going more into “my story” early next week, but I’m going to leave you with this: Before you start a self bashing shit show when you put on your next dress, look in the mirror, or talk about someone ask yourself … Would I say that to a little girl?